Thought that this would be a good time of the course to do a little case study.
No this isn't about me just give you this case study and then you go and try and figure out how going
to fix this person.
This is gonna be more of a dialogue.
We're together we're just gonna converse through the situation that Amanda our case subject is going
through just building upon what I shared with you.
And I'll ask let facts feelings and faith.
All right.
I want to just build this word into the course.
No I mentioned the word discernment earlier on.
All right.
This is where we discern what's true from what isn't true.
When a person is sharing with us their story.
All right.
And this is pretty much the framework we can use to really help us to become more discerning.
Remember sometimes people will give voice to that which they think is true and which they feel is true
which might not always be what actually is true.
Remember our perception isn't always reality and life so sometimes people will respond more to the greatest
fears of what they think's going to happen than what actually has happened or what is happening or what
actually will happen.
All right.
So sometimes a great problem that people have is just their expectations their faith based future based
expectations you think.
So in part the coaching process this is something that I like to do.
Very very early on is is work with the clients to get established on what the facts actually are about
their problem or issue or goals or why they are stuck.
Because if we can just help them to become clear on what the problem isn't then this can give us a far
greater foundation for both in a coaching relationship a point here with me.
So what we do here will read through the case study first and foremost and then I'm going to go through
and highlight parts of the case study that are just simply facts some parts that are just faith future
based expectations other parts that are just feelings based.
All right but you'll hopefully be able to see at the end is how all three of these aspects of life get
merged into our overall perception.
Are you with me.
So this is some quite deep stuff.
All right.
But I really want you to grasp this because this is kind of the difference that will really enable you
to make that difference when you start they thing.
These three aspects of human experience from each other.
So what I'm going to do when I'm coming across a fact I'm going to underline it and read.
All right.
If I'm coming across anything that is just a faith future based expectation on the plane as yellow and
with feelings or underlying feelings as green so we can start to dissect what's going on for Amanda.
Amanda is 39 in fact she's been divorced for six years.
Fact and she hopes to find a new life partner.
Right.
Or worse may very well be true but it's actually more of a faith based expectation she hopes to find
a new life partner at some point in the future.
All right.
So that's definitely a faith based expectation.
She's tried a few local dating events networking groups except Rush has even tried a few online dating
sites.
So is going to be more fact she's tried a few look day events networking groups she's even tried a few
online dating sites.
So that's the facts we're starting get grounded on queer issues.
And what she's actually already doing.
Remember we can't coach anyone in life who isn't going anywhere.
You can't guide or steer a stationary ship.
All right.
So what's.
Well I'm going to be identifying here.
Is that a man that is proactive.
All right.
She's actually doing something which is very very good sign.
She's not just stopped dead in her tracks hoping that the universe is going to you know bring her all
these things that she that she wants.
The problem is is that she's quite self-conscious about the meeting new people process.
Right.
The problem is that she's quite self-conscious self-conscious is going to be.
If you think about what self-consciousness is especially if this is a problem for a very self-conscious
about meeting new people.
Well she's gonna be self-conscious.
She's most likely going to be apprehensive or scared of being perceived in a negative light or in a
way that she isn't.
What I would understand and see this as she's petrified of being misjudged misunderstood or rejected
by people before they even come to nor.
Well that's a perfectly normal fear that if when we're operating inside of a fear like this it can feel
quite an overwhelming one saw on an empathy level.
I'm gonna do my best to put myself in Amanda's shoes and I'm kind of really looking to understand her
perspective where she's coming from and what our problem actually is because sometimes people wouldn't
give voice to what a problem actually is for them.
What sticking point actually is they'll give us a little bit of context a little bit of story then as
coaches as I were able to discern what the truth of the matter actually is so we can start again down
to the facts and the nitty gritty.
Now I want to break this down here just a little bit.
I'm just sharing with you how my mind works how I process people's situations and and stories right.
The problem is this is quite self conscious right.
That is definitely a feeling this is a problem.
The group's The problem is is that she's is quite self-conscious about the meeting new people process.
All right.
Meeting new people process.
She's quite self-conscious about meeting new people process.
Well this is Kenneth Future Bass.
She's nervous about something that has happened.
Now she might have had some experiences in the past but they were over and done with what she seems
to be apprehensive here is about this process ongoing moving forward.
So this is kind of faith future expectation based.
So let's highlight this yellow about the meeting new people process.
She's apprehensive about this because she's not doing it right.
No.
Therefore she is apprehensive of doing this at some point in the future and she doesn't do this so well.
She doesn't do this so well you know this is an interesting little bit here.
I'm going to use a different color here that is on the board blue.
She doesn't do this so well this is the curveball No what Amanda is going to tell you.
Amanda will tell you that this is a fact right.
She doesn't do the meeting new people process particularly well perhaps which has not had any success
in the past.
But this is just her perceptions is just her opinion.
If you were to ask Amanda a couple of questions such as says WHO or compared to who or and who told
you that you don't do this so well or is there a certain criteria that one must reach in order to do
the meeting new people process.
Well when we start asking questions like this and dissecting people's beliefs and moral views and opinions
they start falling apart pretty sort of quickly.
But we don't want to address this especially at this stage.
All right.
This is just a belief that Amanda Hamm has.
That is obviously going to be quite limiting.
She doesn't do this well because she believes that she doesn't do it as well.
Of course she's going to be quite self-conscious about the future process with me.
All right.
Just making sense so far.
Right.
We can take a story at face value and just say OK this is what it is.
But it's only when we really start dissect and at breaking it down discerning what's true from what
isn't true that we can start to understand the clients here with me which comes with experience my friends
who write to me quite a few years to become as discerning as this.
So let's get back to the facts.
She's stopped going.
She stopped going to these events.
That's a fact but she doesn't have an alternative strategy to meet new people or meet her future.
Mr. Right.
Just yet she doesn't have a strategy just yet.
OK.
That's a fact.
She doesn't have a strategy that works for her just yet.
No.
What I want to just disclose here is what my goal throat's if I was having this conversation with Amanda
My goal would not be OK.
How am I going to solve your problem with you.
How am I going to solve your problem how am I going to find this strategy for you that's not a role
as life coaches are always life coaches is just simply to extract what it is that our client's actually
wants to do and then encourage and guide them through the process of taking their first action step.
The second action step I'll share with you a really cool coaching framework later in the course.
This is just about really dissecting and breaking down the first conversation that were going to halve
with potentially a new client.
Amanda is disheartened.
Well this is a feeling problem isn't it.
Can you see and you'll start seeing this.
No she's disheartened and she's ready to give up hope.
Right.
So what would you say hope ties in with.
Is this a fact is a feeling or is a future based expectation i.e. Faith.
She's ready to give up hope if she's ready to give up hope.
Then what we could reword this as she's running out of faith something like that.
All right.
So we know it's a faith based issue.
We know that she's going to have and she's going to be running out of hope because up until now her
expectations of what she hoped she was going to find most likely haven't kind of tallied up with what
she's actually gone on to find.
So remember just remind you of the idea of shared a few times up until now and this is that in life
we're never disappointed by what we actually find in people or events or things or situations.
We're only ever disappointed when our expectations are met our expectations are always going to be future
faith based.
Here with me.
Right.
So no money isn't a problem for her.
Well I'm going to use the blue on blue pen here.
All right.
Money isn't a problem for them again.
This is going to just be pretty much her perception is going to be her world view ha ha belief.
No.
Remember.
And in life and sometimes we can have absolutely loads.
We could have you know millions of pounds and millions of dollars in the bank and be worried about losing
what we have.
Sometimes we could have peanuts you know absolutely nothing in the bank but yet be completely content.
So what I'm going to say is our relationship to money is as very much as very much going to be determined
by how we relate to money which is a conversation for later in the course.
So money is not a problem for her but that's what she is saying.
That's not a problem right.
She's doing great professionally which is fantastic.
And this is how she sees herself operating professionally her home based either tutoring business is
thriving.
All right fantastic.
So let's just hope she sees this other aspect of her life.
Giving us a little bit more context now.
So what I'm looking at is a fact.
All right.
She's giving voice to her perception.
I want to look.
No.
Her perception in terms of fact you Artie so money isn't a problem for her.
Fantastic.
The fact is is that she doesn't have any financial concerns.
She doesn't have any work based professional concerns.
Her home based business is throw even which means that if is a home based adult tutoring business then
adult tutoring involves relating well to other adults which means if she has a strategy here in a professional
context for relating well to new people that she meets with me.
So from a sneaky coach and perspective know what I'm thinking is right.
All we need to establish all right is what she's doing here.
In this context this she isn't doing here.
If we can transfer and the attitudes are there and the process as she applies to her our business to
a social setting then we can realistically expect to get the same or a similar set results.
But nine times in life nine times out of ten in life.
Isn't it just true that we sometimes focus more on what we do in life than what we do sometimes get
all caught up in the voids in the deficits in our lives and we sometimes take that which we have for
for granted.
So sometimes the great problems that we have are actually just perceived problems are not actually actual
problems but here as we as we go on know a man that just had our confidence damaged after separating
from her first husband.
Bingo.
Now we're getting to the nitty gritty aren't we.
She's had her confidence damaged after separating from the first husband so separated from her first
husband.
We know that's a fact.
Who is she still thinks about frequently and she's been honest as well so she still thinks about frequently.
Hmm interesting.
She just had a confidence damaged after.
There's definitely a feeling isn't it.
She had her confidence damaged after separate from her first husband who she still thinks about frequently.
So the questions that I'm going to be asking myself know as a life coach right.
If she still thinks about her ex husband frequently then she's most likely going to be going into these
local dating events networking groups etc..
All right still thinking about her husband.
Where the focus goes the energy flows and I can really only focus on doing one thing well.
He wasn't given moment in time.
So if she's still focusing and thinking about her husband frequently then that would probably lead me
to suggest she's not going into the dating scene whole heartedly.
Are you with me.
She's still clinging onto something from our past.
No I'm not saying this is an up in a positive way or a negative way.
It's just going to lead me further down the coaching relationship to ask a few more questions such as
Is there no way back.
Do we know for certain that there is no way back if there was a way forward.
No.
In this past relationship what could our first step be.
What could our second step be.
You know are the bridges burns completely.
Is there any even the remotest chance of reconnection reconciliation in this relationship.
Because it seems that she hasn't quite got over it just yet.
So we're just dissecting the initial presenting problem but all we're doing.
We're not looking to resolve anything here.
I just want to share with you how it is.
My mind would be processing what she's shared with me but as you can see you know we've got quite a
mixed concoction here.
Don't we have facts faith based expectations and feelings.
And incidentally it's the feelings that she would see as being the main problem in her life.
So the problem is the feelings a problem doesn't seem to be so much the facts.
Amanda's worst fear is being left on the shelf.
My goodness.
Oh this is green as this green.
Yes it is her worst fears being left on the shelf.
And she fears that she'll never have the opportunity to start the family that she always dreamed off
right.
No.
In conclusion this is the issue isn't it.
The worst fear of being left on the shelf.
All right.
When when is this going to be an issue for Amanda.
Right.
Our worst fear is being left on the shelf where where does fear live.
Right.
Fear lives in us.
But what is weird.
Well what is it that we can be fearful often life we can't be fearful of anything that's already happened.
We can only be fearful of not having our expectations or our hopes met.
All right.
So Amanda is fearful of being left on the shelf at some point in the future and she is also fearful
that she'll never have the opportunity to start the family that she always dreamed off.
Mm hmm.
And she's still thinking about her ex husband.
She's not ready to give up just yet but she's coming close.
Why why should come in close to giving up.
She's most likely coming close to giving up because she has not had her expectations met up until now.
Therefore if she's of the mindset that the past equals the future and she's doomed to experience more
often a future that which is experienced in the past.
Well of course this is going to lead a person to want to give up hope just come to you for some life
coaching.
What do you do next.
I've just actually given you an example I've given you a demonstration of what I what I do when I'm
having a conversation with a client especially especially in the early stages.
I will just ask my client's permission if I can take notes.
I don't just simply have three columns and a better paper.
All right so I can write down what I am hearing as being facts and feelings and faith based issues so
we can go back and we can re-evaluate them.
And I just simply could critique them objectively.
Some of the questions that we we can use to critique some of that which our clients are gonna be sharing
with us.
I'll share with you and the communication skills section of the course.
Believe it or not this is just a very very simple process but for no this is pretty much all I really
wanted to demonstrate on to you.
All right what I'm going to ask you to do know though right is at some point in the next couple of days
if you can go for a conversation with someone do you have a friend or a family member or a loved one
or a colleague or someone like this who you know is going through a tough time at the moment.
And if so would you be willing to invite them for a coffee and just ask them to tell you all about their
problems tell them that you are working through a life coach and program at the minute and that you'd
like to practice something on them.
It's just simply to get you practicing discerning and separating facts from faith based expectations
from feelings.
All right.
Because when people have problems in life is generally always going to be true and related to their
feelings.
They're always going to have feelings about their future expectations either being met or not being
met when we are thinking and focusing on our future based expectations being met will generally get
excited about these sorts of things.
Unless of course the future expectation is negative by nature in which case we're going to most likely
feel fear apprehension angst or something like that.
And this is kind of all that's going on with Amanda right here.
But when we get grounded in the facts.
Right.
As life coaches this is kind of what we can what we can really start building upon.
We know that Amanda doesn't have problems here on a professional contact she doesn't have problems working
with her or her clients her business is doing well.
So we just need to figure out and establish how it is that she is related to people on a professional
level this is not relating to people on a personal level and then we simply invite Amanda to identify
the first couple of steps that she could take to start relating to people in the same way that she is
doing down here and that should be a problem solved.
It might not be as simple as that.
Because in truth and the issue now Amanda really generally has is going to be more to go to be more
to do with what she believes about herself on an identity level.
All right.
Which we're going to be unpacking and exploring shortly so.
And there's no solution here.
It's not like I'm fixed it ends in the will not solve any problems.
This is just about simply and critically unpacking people's stories from an objective perspective.
That said some people might be feeling quite frustrated right now.
Okay.
How are we gonna fix this how are we going to resolve this.
All right and the truth of the matter is we're not going to resolve this at all.
This is about us developing our critical thinking skills.
All right.
So we can look at people's stories from a far more objective perspective we have got to do this as life
coaches.
Why nine times out of ten our clients are going to be completely droning or completely immersed in their
own subjective experience so when clients come to us we're offering them that second set of eyes a level
of accountability to help them identify and just explore areas of their life they perhaps may not have
looked at until now.
So what we found this interest and this is just how I would approach a life.
Am I a life coach and client coming to me with the issue.
Well it's not like there's really a right or wrong way here.
This is just how I would I would do things.
So you find this interesting.
All right.
Go and find a person to have a conversation of this nature with and I'll see you again in the next clip.